Saturday, July 27, 2013

people are staggering home after the capitol hill block party

and as my window is open, i can hear their conversations.' there is nothing worse than a white man trying to rap. a couple of hours ago a drunk frat boy yelled 'tittie', or was it 'kittie'?

i must brace myself for the second wave of stragglers round about 2 am. all i ask is that you don't dump your boyfriend at that hour and under my living room window. those dudes don't take it too well. last time it happened i was tempted to go out and throw a bucket of cold water over his angry, drunken head.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

If only i could do this as a profession...

Back in the halcyon days of college, where i had a reputation for being the rusty warren of western washington university, i was once asked to break up a party.

a friend of mine called one saturday night around 11:30 pm or so, sounding somewhat anxious. 'could you come over to my party? no one's leaving and i'm tired.' 'what do you want me to do?' i asked, even though i already knew the answer. 'just come over and get people to leave,' Wendy (not her real name) replied wearily. this was typical behavior on her part. she wouldn't invite me to her parties, but she wanted me to do what she didn't have the moxie to do herself: nudge people out the door.

what she wanted was an obnoxious party crasher who would make people so uncomfortable they would leave right away, so of course she thought of me right away. in those days of pot smokin', grateful dead listening-to laid-back-ness and mellowness to the max, i was a walking talking showboater who never shut up. in a college full of hippies, i was the anti-hippie.

so i showed up, was appropriately loud and bumptious, and everyone left within five minutes. 'thank you' said Wendy. 'oh, you're quite welcome,' i replied. 'but maybe next time you could just put on some Mantovani.'

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

True Fact About Me

I never slept with any of my college professors. Just their sons.